It’s strange how hard some things are to write, and by gosh this is one of them.
I tried to write this blog fairly regularly, but it’s slowly faded away into obscurity, but that it is only one of the more visible things. I have been finding it harder and harder to do other things that I should be enjoying.
Taking part on the SFF Chronicles network, even posting the odd comment on Facebook is becoming a chore I’d rather not be involved with. The few things I have been doing I have to literally force myself to do. If I see someone online and want to chat to them the battle in my head it takes to click to connect is... Is brain shattering. Which is odd, as most of the people that I talk to are wonderful people and once I start it’s easy. All the same many of the more perceptive ones have noticed just in my casual conversation that there is something a little ‘off,’ for which I apologise.
No, at the moment it’s the simplest of things that I am able to keep up with, reading a 24 page comic is just about my limit, or playing something simple like Candy Crush, really mind numbing, but taking no real mental commitment.
Even doing relatively simple things like scanning through Facebook pages, commenting on things that I really should comment on, even something as easy as liking a post just seem to be too... I don’t know hard.
Indeed, it suddenly occurred to me, even writing this I’m deliberately allowing myself to be distracted, short videos on youtube, no matter how short seem preferable to putting the effort and mental energy into typing.
I seem to walking a razor edge, I find myself losing my temper at the stupidest of things, getting frustrated at nothing. And when I do it’s like part of myself is trapped away in the back of my head telling me that I should not be shouting, yelling in such a manner, not in that way, not in that situation but I just can’t stop.
Almost anything is too much work, too much effort and still I try to struggle on. Just writing this blog has taken me days, when it is something that should have taken me an hour or two.
I find myself typing sentences, deleting, writing something else and then starting again...
There are good days. Sunday was a good day, but Monday sees me scrambling around the edge of the bowl one more time, desperate to not fall into the maw of darkness below.
Being in a situation with more than a couple of people and an array of questions coming from different directions, something I once would have handled with ease, is now a nightmare, I feel myself being overwhelmed, crushed beneath an all encompassing wave that makes me snap and snarl, lashing out, even when I know I shouldn’t.
In a relatively short space of time this is what my life has become, and I don’t really know how it can have collapsed so quickly.
As of last week I was diagnosed, as some of you may have guessed, with depression.
To be honest it is something that has probably been with me for a long, long time, but something I have managed to keep in place with a strength of will, but something has changed and I find it is slowly breaking down my age old defences and sucking the life from my existence as easily as any vampire.
As with many men, I guess, just coming to terms and admitting this is not easy, and I’m only at the earliest stages of having found out what is going on with my head, and apart from knowing I don’t particularly like, or what it has done to me, I know that there is a very long way to go before I can probably say I am anything close to being ‘normal’ again.
As to the cause, who knows? Why do these things happen?
All I know is I don’t want to feel like this (in all the different ways that can be taken) any more.
First stage is to seek help from a professional, which I have done. I start counseling in the next week or two. But I also have to admit to the people around me that there is a problem, which, I guess is the point of this blog.
So once again I find myself in the position of apologising to anyone I have not responded to, commented on or otherwise referenced any comments or posts. The feeling of lethargy that seems to have wrapped itself around me has made it hard to do these things.
There is so much more that I could write here, but I do not really want to, not at the moment, in many ways I’m still absorbing this and coming to terms with it. I’ve done my best to carry on normally, but the cracks are there and unfortunately, now more than ever before they are starting to show.